I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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