Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
