Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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