You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
