this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
