I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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