is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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