i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
