My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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