I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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