I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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