id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
