Plan B is the new Plan A
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
