there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Your penis caused this!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
