i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
