If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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