I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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