I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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