Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
