Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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