dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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