Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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