My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
