Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
