I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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