remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
