You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
