I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
