is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
