Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
