My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
