Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
