What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
