how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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