i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
