just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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