he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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