it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
