after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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