I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
