Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
