I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
