I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
