she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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