idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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