Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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