i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
