so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
