So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
