1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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