I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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