nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
