the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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