That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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